For many years I’ve struggled with life in general, never being one to talk openly about feelings. Time has passed and things during a certain period of my life continue to drag me back to a dark, secluded place. One of fear, darkness and insecurity. This years began at a child, and take up huge blocks of my life. Starting to write things down is my attempt to grow past theses experiences and stop them from still having some sort of control over my life.
As a child, home life was chaotic at best, parents recently divorced, mum working all hours to get by, a dad who lived miles away and only got to see you for his own well-being rather than what was best for his children. I was a lost child looking for something, I didn’t know what I was searching for but I needed something to focus on, to be a distraction to the everyday world around me. I was in this place when I discovered a church group, a youth club at the beginning. Filled with singing, games and snacks. What’s not to love? Very quickly it became status quo and I spent my Friday nights at Struthers Memorial Church in Cumbernauld. At the time it was great fun, I got ti play football with the boys, got to get out the house and be myself. What I never realised at the time was that they were shaping who I was becoming. Who I was friends with in school, what I done in my free time, the music I listened to. I suddenly wanted to do all the things the youth leaders were doing. Removing all ‘worldly’ influences from my life. Now come on, I’m 10/11 years old at this point. From a pretty messed up childhood, clearly insecure and have been totally ‘brainwashed’ into throwing myself at this church. At this desire to be truly Holy. Not realising that 20 years on they would have engrained themselves in my subconscious despite years cutting myself off from them.
This is the beginning for freedom… but free to me is not what SMC believe to be free and it’s taken me a very long time to realise that.