I’ve been mulling over what I should write about next, there are so many experiences that I can’t even begin to put into words so I thought I’d just write and see what happens. So sorry if it’s a bit of waffle.
At the age of 24 I found myself in a dark place, I’d recently bought my first house, started a career after uni and things were really hard. I lived with my brother, five years my junior who was a bit of a party animal. He couldn’t hold down a job, fell in with a difficult group of friends and brought a lot of that back home. Home was no longer a happy place. I struggled to pay the bills, to put food on the table and there was just no support from him either emotionally or financially. It was like this for months and months really starting to bring me down. One evening we found ourselves screaming at each other across the living room, I was done, I couldn’t do this anymore. My own house wasn’t my own and I didn’t know where to go for help. After we argued I ended up in my car, with my wee dog Cole. My absolute world. Driving in the dark, not wanting to be here and face these challenges day in day out. If it weren’t for Cole I wouldn’t have been here today.
That was the lowest place I’d ever been. I sat in the car contemplating lift, lifted my phone and scrolling through social media. At that moment I got a notification, an invitation to an event at Cumbernauld Struthers Church. A Christmas service, I used to love these services. Christmas Hymns in candle light, they were special to me growing up. We’d go as a family on Christmas Eve and it was a lovely atmosphere. But it was in that church. That place I wasn’t supposed to go because I wasn’t a good person. It brought a lot of my previous time in the church to the forefront again. But I felt it was a sign. It was as if I was being shown the way back ‘Home’. So I made the decision there and then that I’d go along. By myself and just see what happened. What’s the worst that could happen?
The night came and I told no one I was going along, absolutely not a soul. I just went out. And walking into that Church felt like walking on fire. I was terrified, not of the religious aspect but of the people. What if they knew me? What if I wasn’t welcome? It took so much for me to walk through those doors, which should have been a warning sign in itself. But I needed something to help me through whatever it was that I was facing at home. And this was a bit of a ‘hell Mary’. The service was lovely, nobody recognised me. I was able to go, feel myself and just sing Christmas Hymns. As we all filed out the sanctuary and through to the bookshop, my heart raced as the pastor was at the doors thanking and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. I went along and followed the flow, and then heard my name. Heart raced faster than I thought possible. She recognised me, the same woman who told me I was not welcome at the church due to my behaviour. I was an adult now, why did this woman put the fear into me. It wasn’t a normal response but I didn’t think much of it.
Christmas and New Year past and the church stuck in my head. Could that be the answer? So I decided to go along to a Sunday meeting. Immediately eyes were on me, who is this new person. For the most people were welcoming, but in an overbearing sort of way. I didn’t hang around after the meeting, but I remembered the pastors final closing comments, if there was anybody who wanted to get closer to Christ there was three things to do on a daily. Pray, read the Bible and read Christian books. So for a week I tried to put that into practice to see where it took me. I actually found comfort in those small actions. It was a new focus and I felt some peace in that. Even to this day I still find a sense of comfort quieting myself and turning myself to thoughts of Him. Not the church but Him. What came the following weekend was a shock to me though, I never seen things changing so quick in my life.
That Sunday morning I felt the preaching was so targeted at me. Focussing on coming back to Christ was the message, who else sitting in that sanctuary would possibly get anything out of this message. The message soon turned to prayer time and I was unexpectedly approached by the pastor. As typical in Struthers they believe in the laying on of hands. So she placed her hands on my back and head, encouraging me to let God back in and restore what he had given me in the past. I was so taken aback, I didn’t know what to do. I sat there and done what was suggested in my ear, I followed on her lead. The room was getting noisier around me. I felt watched, everyone keen to know what was happening and I was the spotlight. I found myself crying, in my ear all I could hear was the pastor. Let God take it all away, run back into His arms, become His child again let Him mend all the hurt. Saying all the things I needed to hear given the dark place I was in at home.
The meeting came to a close and in the absolute silence that followed you could have heard a pin drop. As people started to focus back in on the world around them the normal chit chat resumed. I sat thinking about what had happened, how things had progressed without much thought or decision on my part. I was awestruck that this could have happened so soon. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted anymore. The pastor came over and sat beside me with the biggest smile on her face. Clearly very happy with how things had gone. But what had gone on, I hadn’t really processed it myself. What was I getting myself back into, wasn’t this place the cause of so much rejection in my past. How can that be swept under the carpet as if it weren’t a thing. After speaking briefly, I was encouraged to continue doing what I was doing daily and just be at meetings as much as I could.
I left that meeting, didn’t chat to anyone and just sat in my car. What did this mean? Did those words just leave my mouth? I was 24 now, this is not a wee thing. It was my first meeting at the church, proper meeting since I was 16, I did not see this happening. What did this mean for the other things in my life. But I was so low, this could help me, this could be the way forward out of the darkness that had started to enclose me. Was it the right thing though? I knew from my previous experience this place had rules, it wasn’t just a church, there was expectations on the rest of my life if I went down this path. But was it too late to withdraw after what just happened. I didn’t know… but I was so desperate, I needed something more than the life I was living right now. I’m finding it hard to look back and truly express what was going on in my head at that moment.
As a 31 year old I now look back on that time in my life as the darkest I’ve ever been. Did the church take advantage of me in that place? Very quickly moving from considering turning back to faith and then being placed in a situation where I had to make that decision surrounded by the congregation speaking out in tongues on the spot. I am someone who likes to understand the impact of any decision I take, that was taken from me in that moment. I was swept away in a moment. From that moment I was then at meetings Tuesday nights, Friday, Saturday and twice in Sundays. It literally took over my life in a split second.
I understand that there is a place where someone throws themselves fully at faith however it’s not a light decision and one that should at least be discussed prior to any pressure being applied. I hadn’t even spoken ti anyone from the church, the situations surrounding why I left were completely forgotten. These are things that cannot just be brushed under the carpet. Yet I allowed them to be. Very quickly my family saw a change in me, without me mentioning anything they knew I had been back at the church. The impact hit so quickly.
I hope anyone else considering their faith has the opportunity that I did not. A chance to consider what it means for the rest of their life. The things you feel are normal, such as socialising with friends are all of a sudden frowned upon if they were not also members of the church. Anyone committing to faith should not feel the need ti change everything about their lives in order to fit in, it should be a comfortable merging and there should be a chance to adapt. There is a place for faith but please don’t let it be a tsunami over your life.
I know this post is a bit of change in pace but feel it’s important to look at other experiences I had in my journey. It’s difficult to look back and see myself accept things so willingly, but that’s where I see the vulnerability in my situation. There was a time were SMC helped me through things but it wasn’t without a cost and that cost wasn’t fully understood at the time. That’s my biggest mistake. One I hope someone reading this may not need to make.